Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
