I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
