Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize