I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
