In the future we'll all be gay
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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