she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
