Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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