My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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