You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
