I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
