You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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