Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
