I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
