I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
