my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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