Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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