I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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