i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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