I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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