come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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