I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
