god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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