The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
