I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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