Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
