Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
