I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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