I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
