whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
