She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
