I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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