just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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