Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
