wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
