Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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