you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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