My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
