i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
