I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
