She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
