It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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