11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
