For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
