You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
