i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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