remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
