Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
