By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
