made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
