New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize