I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
