i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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