I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
