I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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