Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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