So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
