So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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