I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
ttyl tear gas
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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