I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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