I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
